Dilemma

A Play by Anthony Rosen, Dan Hansen, and James Finkle

Victor: A 18 year old male, fairly average in appearance. Victor is often indecisive and although good-natured, he is prone to emotional outburst.

Raziel: An ageless entity of good. Looks like a standard angel, though slightly scruffier. Seems prone to distraction.

Mortimer: An ageless entity of evil. Or at least annoyance. Looks not so much like a devil so much as like a used car salesman.

VICTOR: Aw man, what should I do?

(MORTIMER and RAZIEL Appear)

MORTIMER: Woosh!

RAZIEL: Stop doing that! You always do that!

MORTIMER: But we have to make a dramatc entrance.

VICTOR: Uh… who are you guys?

RAZIEL: It’s not really dramatic, just annoying.

MORTIMER: Heh, yeah… (Pause) WOOOSH!

RAZIEL: I said stop that! Ooh hey, is that icecream there?

VICTOR: No really, who the hell are you guys?

RAZIEL: What kind of ice cream is that?

VICTOR: Uh… mixed. Why?

RAZIEL: What? You couldn’t decide?

VICTOR: Well, my parents sent me to get vanilla, but I’ve always liked chocolate. I couldn’t decide between the two. (Continues talking like this)

RAZIEL: Yeah that’s great. Can I have some?

VICTOR: What? No! Who are you? And for that matter, who are you (points to MORTIMER)

RAZIEL: Awww, no ice cream. Ah, well. You explain the situation to him. I’m busy (pulls out comic book, sits, starts reading).

MORTIMER: You know those cartoons where an angel and demon show up during a moral dilemma?
VICTOR: Yeah….?

MORTIMER: This is exactly like that. (Pause) Well, except you’re not a cartoon.

VICTOR: (Looks at hands) I gathered that.

RAZIEL: (Distractedly) I’m Raziel, Scion of the Third Dawn, Herald of the Seraphim, Harbinger of um…. Pants.

VICTOR: Pants?

RAZIEL: Shh, I’m reading!

VICTOR: Uh, right. (To Mortimer) And you?

MORTIMER: I’m Mortimer. Just Mortimer.

VICTOR: Mortimer? That doesn’t sound very diabolic.

MORTIMER: Yeah, well, my parents weren’t exactly the evilest spawns of Satan.

Both MORTIMER and RAZIEL: And we’re here to help you with your moral dilemma, Victor!

VICTOR: Wait, you guys are just showing up now?

Both: Uhuh.

VICTOR: But wait, why weren’t you there the time I ditched my brother’s birthday?

MORTIMER: We weren’t assigned to you then.

VICTOR: The time I suckerpunched my brother for no reason?

MORTIMER: Wasn’t that important.

VICTOR: The time I told that charity I was broke?

MORTIMER: Meh…

VICTOR: Okay, but what about that time I shot that nun?

MORTIMER: (To Raziel) You let him shoot a nun?!?!

RAZIEL: Oh, she totally had it coming.

VICTOR: (To Raziel) You’re not a very competent angel, are you?

RAZIEL: Let’s just put it this way. Remember Mussolini?

MORTIMER: You were the angel responsible for Mussolini?

RAZIEL: More like irresponsible… But hey, Mortimer, you’re not exactly the most competent devil either. What was last act of evil you’ve done?

MORTIMER: You know when you’re watching TV at like 3 in the morning, and there’s nothing on except bad infomercials? I’m mostly responsible for that.

VICTOR: Really? Wow, that’s pretty evil. Or at least really annoying. So, you were responsible for all that, even the George Forman Grills?

MORTIMER: I said “mostly.” Some things are too evil for even the most diabolic of fiends.

RAZIEL: Or you’re just annoying, not evil.

VICTOR: Ok, you can stop bickering now. This is crazy.

MORTIMER: Who you calling crazy? You’re the one standing in a Grocery Store parking lot in the middle of the day talking to your invisible friends.

VICTOR: …. True. Let’s get on with this then before people start asking questions.

RAZIEL: Yeah, um... Morally correct choice. Don’t, um (looks down at clipboard), take the money. There could be dire consequences!

VICTOR: It’s not very much money at all. How “dire” could these consequences be?

RAZIEL: I’ll give you a possibility: that poor cashier, he could get fired. And then when he goes home jobless, his wife will kick him out. And his family will refuse to take him back in. So, he’ll kill himself under a bridge!

VICTOR: WHAT?!? But it’s only—

MORTIMER: (Interrupting) Don’t listen to him. Think of the money. Think of what you can buy with it!

VICTOR: In all fairness, there’s very little I could—

RAZIEL: Don’t let his temptations corrupt you! Or something. (Returns to his comic)

VICTOR: (Unenthused) Oh, great point.

MORTIMER: Of course it isn’t! Just look at him, he’s more interested in his comic book than in you. Unlike me, I’m here on your behalf! Let me tell you a little something about good and evil. Good and evil are what you make of them.

VICTOR: What are you saying?

MORTIMER: I’m saying that given the right conditions an “evil” act can be justified for good, or a normally good act can be corrupted and wrong.

VICTOR: That does make a bit of sense. I mean, my family is really strapped for money, but I fail to see how this would really help them.

MORTIMER: But, as long as you recognize that it is with good intention, then the act itself is good.

VICTOR: I dunno, isn’t there that saying “The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions”?

MORTIMER: Oh c’mon, just do it. (Pokes Victor with pitchfork). C’mon…. C’mon….

VICTOR: Ow! Stop that.

RAZIEL: That’s right, fight the temptation, you can do it Superman!

VICTOR: Did you just call me Superman? (Mortimer Jabs again). OW!

RAZIEL: Prodding him isn’t really going to help, is it?

MORTIMER: Yeah well… um…. WOOSH!

VICTOR: Wow, that IS annoying.

MORTIMER: Yeah well, you’re annoying!

RAZIEL: Yeah, way to be immature.

MORTIMER: YOU’re immature!

VICTOR: How is this helping me? How?

MORTIMER: You stay out of this! This doesn’t concern you.

VICTOR: Isn’t that the whole reason you’re here?

MORTIMER: Um… Whooosh!

VICTOR: Am I allowed to hit you?

RAZIEL: Go for it.

VICTOR: And you! Are you EVER going to try to actually convince me to do the right thing?

RAZIEL: WWSD!

VICTOR: Don’t you mean WWJD?

RAZIEL: What? No! It’s “What would Superman Do?”

VICTOR: What would Superman do?

MORTIMER: THIS! (Throws pitchfork at RAZIEL, misses and hits VICTOR)

VICTOR: OWWW! My eye!

RAZIEL: Did you just throw something at me… and miss?

MORTIMER: Um…. No….

VICTOR: (Writhing in pain) Yes he did! It hit me in the eye!

MORTIMER: Um…. Whoosh!

RAZIEL: You’re not even trying anymore, are you?

MORTIMER: And you are?

RAZIEL: Hello, I gave him a motto to live by!

MORTIMER: WWSD? That’s what you told Mussolini!

VICTOR: Was Superman even around back then?

RAZIEL: That could explain why he went down the road he did. But he always did have a love for puppies thanks to me.

MORTIMER: Are you telling me Superman loved puppies?

RAZIEL: What didn’t Superman love?
MORTIMER: How about kryptonite?

VICTOR: Wait wait wait! You guys are so off topic now it’s not even funny!

RAZIEL: Oh go shoot a nun.

VICTOR: AGGGHHHHHHH! You guys aren’t any help at all!

(Victor collapses to the ground)

MORTIMER: Now look what you did!

RAZIEL: What…. What happened…. Oh.

VICTOR: I didn’t even think keeping the extra seventeen cents was that important!

MORTIMER: Wait what? Are you telling me your dilemma is that the cashier gave you too much money

(Victor becomes unconscious)

MORTIMER: Doesn’t the itinerary say that he’s supposed to rob the cashier.

RAZIEL: We have itineraries?

MORTIMER: Yeah, it’s on your clipboard

RAZIEL: We have Clipboards?

MORTIMER: Yes, it’s in your hand.

RAZIEL: Oh, well, what do you know?

MORTIMER: Anyway, doesn’t the itinerary say that there’s supposed to be a robbery?

RAZIEL: Probably…. Wanna go get something to eat.

MORTIMER: Yeah, sure, but you got to explain to me about this whole “shooting a nun thing.”

RAZIEL: Well, you see it all started when….

ANONYMOUS PERSON: Oh No! He’s got a gun!