Beverages that Bother Me
Today we will examine a subject that is largely overlooked: Beverages, and the fact
that a lot of them are stupid. Note this refers mainly to non-alchoholic beverages,
that's an entirely different ballpark.
Vault, "Hybrid-Energy" Soda:
First off, "Hybrid-Energy Soda?" What sort of shit is that? It's either a soda or it's an energy
drink. It's not both. Seriously. The main difference? Energy drinks have Taurine, Guarana, and a
slew of other non-caffiene additives that have an analogous effect to caffiene. Why does this matter?
Well, to people who've built up a tolerance to caffiene, these other additives will give a similar effect,
something much coveted by these people. It's like moving on to harder drugs, except not quite. While Vault
does have a decent amount more caffiene than many sodas (includin about 15 more mg per can than Mountain Dew,
which is about a 27% increase), it is not an energy drink. It does not "Kick" like an energy drink. Plus, it
is almost identical to Mellow Yellow and the discontinued Surge, both almost identically flavored and produced
Coaca-Cola beverages. It's like "Hey, let's take our failed Mountain Dew Knockoff, add a bit more caffiene, and
market it to middle aged men as an energy drink." Which brings me to my second point.
The Majority of Energy Drinks:
Note that this does not include the energy drink Bawls, as Bawls doesn't actually do the things I am about to
rant about, plus they are inuendo-tastic.
OK, so energy drinks. First off, they are not actually "energy." If you are going to drink these to give yourself
an energy boost so you can perform some sort of sport or strenuous physical labor, you are a dumbass. Sure, they
make you wired, but caffiene will fuck up your system and generally is a very bad thing for extended periods of
physical activity. Especially because when you crash, you will crash hard. Energy drinks are not supposed to be
used by Athletes, or Middle Aged Men who want to tear down neighbor's fences to make
a football field for their kid. Energy drinks are for programmers, gamers, or college students, who need a boost
in focus or a way to stay up all night. Goddamn. Stupid sports-play frat types have already taken videogames away
from us and practically ruined them (case in point: just about any game of Halo 2 on Xbox Live, or how WoW is
"The New Golf"). At least leave us our energy drinks. Because we need them. You guys? It's just going to fuck you
up.
My other complaint about energy drinks (and again this excludes Bawls) is the taste. Who decided that "Urine with
Ground-Up Sweet-Tarts" was the taste of choice for energy drinks? Well, I guess it was Red Bull, since they were
the original. But why does every other energy drink company feel the need to imitate this? I've got a clue for you
energy drink companies: if you want to increase sales, rather than marketing your drinks to sport-o's and jocks,
IMPROVE YOUR FUCKING FLAVOR. Like Bawls has shown, if you have a good-tasting energy drink, the nerds and gamers
who drink this stuff like water will flock to you.
Propel, "Flavored" "Fitness Water":
OK, first off, what is "Fitness Water?" I mean seriously. It's water. With some sugar and shit added to it. That
doesn't make it "Fitness Water." What it is is "flavored" water. That's it. Stop it with the comercials showing
people doing really athletic things. Those people can do those things because they are really athletic. Not because
they drink your shitty water.
Also, "Flavored." These things taste like they took a bottle of sugar water and held it near a lemon for a few
minutes. That's the extent of flavor going on here.
-Vampire Ninja
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