Movies That Suck
So I've been a wage-slave over at a theater this summer. It's basically sucked,
but cash is cash. However, I've been disgusted by the number of horrible, horrible
movies that have come out lately. It was suggested that this was perhaps due to the
World Cup, and companies not wanting to release their big movies worldwide when no
one would go see them because they were entranced by the "biggest sports event in
the world". Let me tell you right now, I don't give a damn about the World Cup, and
its not because I'm American. I like soccer as much as I like every huge American sport:
not at all. But that's besides the point. What is the point is that the Cup's been over
and the stuff coming out is still pure shit. Let's take a look at a few of the moives this
summer:
Click - Adam Sandler does stupid funny. He even does it modestly well. What Adam Sandler
does not do well is drama. Or subtlety. This movie basically takes lower than normal
Sandler-level humor, and tacks it on to a shitty attempt to make a [i]Christmas Carol[/i]
type story. And everything is overdone to the normal level of Sandler's overdoing things.
It tries really really hard to be emotional, but I can't look at the guy who played Little
Nicky and Happy Gilmore (and looks exactly the same throughout) and be tear-jerked. It's just
not happening. Especially with the whole "He wakes up and it was all a dream" thing at the end.
Oh yeah, by the way, spoiler warning. Not that it really matters. I mean, sure, they didn't want
to end the movie on a total down note. But if you're going to do a cop out ending, at least do it
well. They could have had him use a function on the remote to rewind to before anything happened
instead of just waking up from dreaming just before anything happens. Also, like the one gag in
the movie was this whole thing with a dog humping a big stuffed duck. And they do it like, 20 times.
The dog does it, then the dog does it in fast forward, then the mom is sewing up the hole in the duck's
ass that the dog fucked open, then in the future their next dog does it too, and then later another
dog does it! It's like yeah, we get it. The dog fucks a duck. Now drop it.
Little Man - Who is letting the Wayans brothers still make movies? For fuck's sake. This is an Episode
of Looney Toons. I'm not even joking. There's an old episode of the Looney Toons where a midget robs a
bank, then dresses up like a baby and leaves himself on Porky Pig's doorstep. It's got scenes directly from
this: Porky suspecting the baby when he thinks he sees him shaving, Porky overhearing the baby talking to
his robber partner, the baby hitting Porky over the head with a frying pan. I swear they should sue the Wayans
brothers for intellectual property theft. Of course, nothing the Wayans brothers do could be considered
"Intellectual", but that's besides the point. You'd think that with directly ripping off a work of comic
genius like the Looney Toons they could make a decent movie out of it. But the thing is, your average Looney
Toons episode was 10 minutes long. They managed to churn out enough crap to make two hours. If there are
any Hollywood movie directors out there, I have some advice for you: If you are going to rip something off,
make it something worth ripping off, like they did with the Matrix and Terminator.
Tiledaga Nights - The only thing worse than Will Farrel is the awful combination of Will Farrel and the
worst "sport" ever. The only way I would see this movie is if they reshot the scene in the commecials
where Will Farrel is attacked by a cougar and made it so a live cougar actually attacked Will Farrel,
and videotaped it ripping him limb from limb. This movie looks like it is more detrimental to your IQ
than drilling holes into your brain.
Nacho Libre - Jack Black does some fairly funny stuff. Sure, it tends towards stupid funny, but at least
he is a talented actor. The guy who directed Napoleon Dynamite, and this, seems to be able to suck talent
out of people and run it through a filter that emits pure stupid compound. Even Jack Black wasn't able to
save this from the total fiasco it ended up being. In part becasuse he wasn't really allowed to be Jack Black.
And in part because this movie is just plain dumb. Jack Black as a Mexican Wrestler? That's the best idea
since making one of the Wayans brothers look like a midget so he can pretend to be a baby.
And that's just scratching the surface. The only movie of real value that has come out this summer is
Pirates Two, and in all honesty that is only half a movie (despite being nearly three hours long). Go
see Pirates, then stick to renting for the rest of the summer. It's not worth blowing 20 dollars on tickets
and 10 dollars on concessions when you could just spend 3 on a video rental and not get your brain sucked out.
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