People Shouldn't Be Allowed to Name Their Kids


You're probably reading this title and going "What?" but it makes sense. Like 90% of the time parents are completely retarded when it comes to naming children. I'd say kids should be allowed to choose their own names when they are old enough to do so, but that's not likely. Instead, I present this guide on how not to name like a retard.

1. Avoid Hick Names
Too often kids get named William or Robert or Timmothy. And honestly if those names were used properly they would be fine. But instead of calling your child by a good name like Will, most parents doom their kids to a lifetime of hickdom. Billy, Bob, Timmy, etc. Not to mention most of these names fall under the second rule as well.

2. Be Original
I swear, if I meet one more Mike or Joe or Steve or Dan I'ma have to kill one of em, just to be able to keep them all straight in my head. Parents, if you can't come up with something more original than "Bob," there's something seriously wrong with you.

3. Don't be Too Original
No one wants to go through life as Ki'wangé or Stev5e (the 5 is silent) or Hezekiah. While a little originality is appreciated, don't get in over your head.

4. Don't be a Hippie
You know what I'm talking about. Those parents who name their kid something like "Starlight Love-Daisy" or something like that. It's just creepy, not to mention cruel to the kid.

5. Avoid Ugly Names
I'm sorry but there are just some names out there that are so... ugly. Agatha for example. It's like, if you call a child that you are dooming them to a life of hideousness. Even if they go by "Aggie," they'll just sound like a total flake, then people will find out their real name and make fun of them more. Just use a little common sense people.

6. Junior
I'm sorry, but if you don't have the originality to name the kid something different from your own name, you should probably call child services and have them take your child away. In fact, since you're probably too stupid to know how to do that, here's some simple instructions: Pick up the phone. Hit the "4" button. Hit the "1" button. Hit the "1" button again. Ask them for the number to child services. When they ask you if you want to be connected, say "Yes." When child services picks up, tell them that you are an unfit parent and that they should take your child away.

-Vampire Ninja

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