How to be a Pirate

Here we see the pirate in its natural habitat: the convention.

I recommend we approach with extreme caution. Pirates are extremely hazardous and have incredibly addicting personalities. Yes, addicting, not addictive. (Though they have those too.) Prolonged exposure to pirates can cause overuse of the phrases "Fantastic" and "You'll be fine!" as well as the desire for rum and no-strings-attached sex with multiple partners to a cheering audience. It can also cause you to look like this:


But what makes a pirate a pirate? Well first off is the distinctive dress. In the immortal words of Nigel Sade (the top pirate on the right), "Dressing like a pirate is simple. You just have to get a bunch of clothes and wear them... wrong." It also helps to have a few distinctive articles of pirate garb: Hats, Bandanas, Earings, Pirate Danglies, Sashes, et cetera.


Also pivitol to piratedom are the wenches and consorts. The mating rituals of the Pirate in its natural environment are wild and uncontrolled, and as such there need to be plenty of willing wenches.


But no wench is complete without proper attire. This is why the pirates keep chainmail bikinis and pirate thongs handy. And in a pinch, those same thongs double as blindfolds.


As we can observe, behind every pirate is his source of Rum. In this case, it is the rum-runner, Amul (dear god I hope I spelled this right). Amul tends to complain that the pirates get all of the attention despite the fact that he is a much better dresser. But he keeps the pirates in rum, and he does a damned good job of it.


The pirate exhibits some bizzare rituals. Many wild animals collect twigs and shiney things. The pirate collects rum and caffiene and flagons in which to drink these. They also collect shiney things, but of a chocolately nature.


And here we see an even more bizzare collection ritual of the pirate. These pirates have taken a King James Bible and turned it into a book for collecting autographs.


But apparently that is not all it collects. A deeper view into this shows that there is a section in which the signer can give his or her soul to Nigel, and another section where the signer can give his or her virtue to Bluebeard. Why these pirates want these things, we may never know.


The modern pirate has a very unique method of survival. Unlike the traditional pirate, who would hunt merchant ships for food, the modern pirate has adapted to its environment quite nicely. They instead perform hilarious comedy routines and sell paraphenalia (like the aforementioned bandanas, pirate danglies, and pirate thongs, along with artwork and comics).


Here we see a peculiar object owned by the pirates: a set of oversized wooden silverware.

In my studies of the wild pirate, I discovered the reason for this. The story goes as follows: When Nigel was a child, this oversized wooden fork and spoon belonged to his grandparents. They told him that the silverware was used by giant cannibals. This of course scared the crap out of young Nigel, who stayed awake many a night in terror of being eaten by giants. Then, one day, he turned to the dictionary for solace. In it he read that a cannibal is one who eats a member of his own species, so he was safe as giant cannibals would eat other giants. In his grandparents' will, they left him the wooden implements with a note saying "Ha, You figured it out." However, Nigel will not let it rest. He plans on giving his very enormous friends who are getting married a set of oversized silverware as a wedding gift, telling them to tell their children about the giant cannibals, knowing that they will not be able to find solace in the dictionary as they themselves are giants.
Being a giant myself, I was unable to resist the opportunity to have some fun. Later in the convention, I picked up the silverware and held them like spears, rushing Nigel and saying, "You forget, Giants are People too!"

Some of the behavior of the pirates just cannot be properly explained however. I may have to re-visit this fascinating creature in order to understand the complexity of its lifestyle.


And as for you inevitable fools who will say "But wait, I thought pirates hated Ninjas and vise versa! What's going on?"
Well, as the pirates themselves put it: "No mate, that's just a myth. Ninjas are actually pretty cool people. Yeah, in fact we've got a couple of hot Ninjas waiting upstairs to have lots of hot kinky ninja-on-pirate sex when we finish this show."
And it never hurts to explore other cultures. Especially since that whole eyepatch thing, I've discovered that there is at least a bit of pirate in me.

-Vampire Ninja

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